Parenting: Spoiling Your Kids vs. Teaching Appreciation
I received an email from my mum today, the message was very relevant to some of the growing issue parents and people in India have expressed to us over the last few weeks. I don’t think any of the these challenges are unique to India.
The story starts when we visited a school in the city of Haridwar. We wanted to learn more about the schooling and the character building education programs, we also wanted to share about Kids For Peace and empowering kids to be kind to others and the planet, and to teach kids fundamental peace principles. What the headmistress told us was eye-opening… the parents did not want the school to teach moral values or social responsibility, in fact the teachers were not even allowed to tell the kids to pick up after themselves or clean their dishes. The parents consider such tasks menial and below their kids. The parents only concern was that their child excels in school and is able to get a good job.
Since education is the key to escaping poverty, you can understand why low income parents might think this way… but the new rich in India are also experiencing challenges with their kids. Growing up with servants and getting what they want, the kids of the new rich will often develop an entitlement mind set, and while their childhood needs are fulfilled by their wealthy parents and family members, later in life, the materialistic reward based system breaks down, As parents can no longer fulfill their child’s needs, the children relate to this as ‘a loss of love’ and seeing their child’s disappointment, the parents try and fulfill their child’s needs.
The challenge is that kids are not developing their inner ‘self-worth’, they need material gifts and external appreciation, when they don’t get this, they are prone to self-destructive habits and depression.
The root of such issues is the fundamental lack of appreciation, there is a serious lack of values this is infecting the populous of India. And while India’s economy is booming, many agree that there is a decrease in basic values.
In fact many would even argue that having ‘values’ is bad for business, and that values is better embraced in later life after the money and wealth have been generated.
HOWEVER, we have been fortunate to meet different groups in India, who a pioneering a new value based lifestyle which included service and personal character. This groups are rejecting outdated ideologies of cast and ill-treatment of women. Some of these groups include service based organizations such as Art of Living, The Sai Baba movement, Amma, Crossbow, The Family and many more.
The NGO are not the only ones who seem to embrace the value based lifestyles, it seems the corporate world are also seeking their new managers to not only excel in education and qualifications, but also having a deeper sense of appreciation and compassion for fellow human beings. Maybe they recognize such qualities inherently make for a better more loyal manager.
With the daily reports corruption and that we seem to have lost our bearing & our sense of direction, there are beams of light that continue to fuel a brighter possibility.
The following is one such story that should shed some more light on the subject:
-Beejal Parmar
Received Via Email: Is Appreciation On Your Resume?
One young academically excellent person went to apply for a managerial position in a big company.
He passed the first interview; the director did the last interview.
The director discovered from the CV that the youth's academic achievements were excellent all the way, from the secondary school until the postgraduate research, never had a year when he did not score.
The director asked, "Did you obtain any scholarships in school?"
The youth answered "none".
The director asked, "Was it your father who paid for your school fees?"
The youth answered, "My father passed away when I was one year old, it was my mother who paid for my school fees.
The director asked, "Where did your mother work?"
The youth answered, "My mother worked as laundry woman.
The director requested the youth to show his hands.
The youth showed a pair of hands that were smooth and perfect.
The director asked, "Have you ever helped your mother wash the clothes before?"
The youth answered, "Never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books. Furthermore, my mother can wash clothes faster than me.
The director said, "I have a request. “When you go back today, go and clean your mother's hands, and then see me tomorrow morning.”
The youth felt that his chance of landing the job was high. When he went back, he happily requested his mother to let him clean her hands.
His mother felt strange, happy but with mixed feelings, she showed her hands to the young man.
The youth cleaned his mother's hands slowly. His tear fell as he did that. It was the first time he noticed that his mother's hands were so wrinkled, and there were so many bruises in her hands. Some bruises were so painful that his mother shivered when they were cleaned with water.
This was the first time the youth realized that it was this pair of hands that washed the clothes everyday to enable him to pay the school fee. The bruises in the mother's hands were the price that the mother had to pay for his graduation, academic excellence and his future.
After finishing the cleaning of his mother’s hands, the youth quietly washed all the remaining clothes for his mother.
That night, mother and son talked for a very long time.
Next morning, the youth went to the director's office.
The Director noticed the tears in the youth's eyes, asked: "Can you tell me what have you done and learned yesterday in your house?"
The youth answered, "I cleaned my mother's hand, and also finished cleaning all the remaining clothes'
The Director asked, "Please tell me your feelings."
The youth said:
1. I know now what appreciation is. Without my mother, there would not have been the successful me today.
2. By working together and helping my mother, only I now realize how difficult and tough it is to get something done.
3. I have come to appreciate the importance and value of family relationships.
The director said, "This is what I am looking for to be my manager.
I want to recruit a person who can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the sufferings of others to get things done, and a person who would not put money as his only goal in life. You are hired.
Later on, this young person worked very hard, and received the respect of his subordinates. Every employee worked diligently and as a team. The company's performance improved tremendously.
Failings of Entitlement Mentality
A child, who has been protected and habitually given whatever he wanted, would develop "entitlement mentality" and would always put himself first. He would be ignorant of his parent's efforts. When he starts work, he assumes that every person must listen to him, and when he becomes a manager, he would never know the sufferings of his employees and would always blame others. For this kind of a person, who may be good academically, may be successful for a while, but eventually would not feel sense of achievement. He will grumble and be full of hatred and fight for more. If we are this kind of protective parents, are we really showing love or are we destroying the children instead?*
You can let your children live in a big house, eat a good meal, learn piano, watch a big screen TV. But when you are cutting grass, please let them experience it. After a meal, let them wash their plates and bowls together with their brothers and sisters. It is not because you do not have money to hire a maid, you want them to understand, no matter how rich their parents are, one day their hair will grow gray, same as the mother of that young person. The most important thing is your children learn how to appreciate the effort and experience the difficulty and learn how to work with others to get things done.
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As I mentioned earlier in this article, these challenges are not unique to India, this is global parenting challenge, it is our challenge, bringing up our kids with an inner self-worth value system, such that they grow up to be more better more compassionate custodians of this planet.
-Beejal Parmar