When was the last time you made an assumption about a person or situation and found out you assumed wrong? I want to share 2 stories with you, about an assumption one of our dearest friends made about me before she got to know us, and my assumption about her and her husband.
The story is timely given that while staying at our friends David and Rica Gaffney’s home I got the opportunity to read the mini-book ‘The Four Agreements’ by Miguel Ángel Ruiz. In his book he advocates personal freedom from agreements and beliefs that we have made with ourselves and others that are creating limitation and unhappiness in our lives. Ultimately, it is about finding one's own integrity, self-love, and peace by way of absolving oneself from responsibility for the woes of others. The Four Agreements are:
- Be Impeccable With Your Word.
- Don't Take Anything Personally.
- Don't Make Assumptions.
- Always Do Your Best.
I have not read the 4 book, but having read the mini version, the 4 simple agreements seem like sound advice. Not the first time I have come across these principles in personal development, however, the book and teaching were conveyed in a great way in the book. Not to get to side tracked, what I really want to share is a story, actually 2 stories, that relate to the third agreement ‘Don’t Make Assumption’.
Early 2009 a young Indian couple moved into the same block of apartments 3 doors down. We are known for being very friendly and usually we would make an effort to introduce ourselves, however, in this case we really did not make the effort. The reason being is that I assumed that we would have little or no common interests, they did not have kids so they might not want to associate with an 'old couple with kids' and between you and me they seemed rather stuck up and did not seem to have a sense of humor.
Oh, and there was one more reason, I got the sense that the ‘wife’ really did not seem to like me, in fact it felt like they were ignoring us. Our paths rarely crossed even though we parked 10-20 ft from each other, and for several months this was the extent of our relationship. In August of 2009, as part of the Great Kindness Challenge, Shivani and Khushi left a ‘Ganesh’ rock for this couple on their doorstep. Still no friendship. In September we completed our part of a puja (religious ceremony) that was done for us in India, on that same day, the couple had a puja at their home, and as we took a stroll around out apt block that day, we heard the distinct sound of a priest chanting Vedic mantras, we sat outside for a while listening to the chants. It seemed like a good day for miracles, but still nothing happened.
It was not until sometime in mid October our paths actually crossed. This was the night the stars were lined up just right and universe conspired such that our paths would cross. It was the night before Diwali, around 11pm, we had just parked our car, Yogi had carried Khushi into our home, I was following with Shivani in my arms. The Indian couple must have also just returned and were taking things out of the back of their car. Being Diwali, we were all dressed in Indian garb, and feeling in a celebratory mood, I wished them Happy Diwali, and I continued to walk on. Ten paces or so later, I thought to myself, I should at least make the effort to introduce myself. I turned around and walked back, and I introduced myself to the young couple.
As it turns out, I was completely wrong about this couple! I don’t mean like a little wrong, I mean like grand canyon wrong, heading for the Moon and reaching Mars wrong. As it turned out we had a lot in common. They were speakers, authors, background in film making and acting, life coach. We also shared similar interests, experiences both personal and business, it was actually uncanny.
Not only did we go onto to become friends, not just friends they became one of our best friends, not only best friends, they became one of our dearest and closest friends. Our bond became so close that on the day we left the USA, she made me a brother. The significance of this I will go into in another blog… but that is not how she first thought about me!
No, in fact when they moved in, she had formed a different opinion about me. Sometime after they had moved in, the husband mentioned to his wife they should introduce themselves to us, to his surprise, she remarked, ‘the husband seems like a good for nothing drunkard, lazy person who must be abusing his wife and children’. When he asked why she would think this, she replied, ‘every time I see him he has a four pack of beer.’ Even though he was surprised by his wife’s response, he did not pursue the matter, and left it at that. Thankfully her/their opinion about me/us changed once we introduced ourselves that Diwali night.
Here is the kicker, I don’t drink beer, not the kind you might be thinking off. For those who know me you know what is coming. Her opinion of me was based on the fact that I love Reeds GINGER Beer. (Note: this happens to be the world’s best ginger beer, and when served ice cold, it is the most incredible drink!). Since she saw me with Reeds Ginger beer, she assumed I was a raging alcoholic.
Thank god, and I do mean that literally, their opinion about us changed once they got to know us… well at least I ‘assume’ they think better of us today! Even though we allowed our Assumption to delay our friendship, we were eventually able to look past our own ‘ignorance’.
During our relatively short relationship in this lifetime, we have shared incredible times together, shared aspects of our lives at a deep intimate level, enjoyed countless ‘Chai’ chats late into the night.
Friendships this special do not just happen, it was divine intervention. I mean that sincerely. Their wisdom, support and guidance helped us tremendously over the last several weeks.
The young India couple I am referring to are our dear friends Vish Iyer and Deypika Singh, international speakers, life and relationship coaches. http://www.solematemagnet.com
So what was the cost of our assumptions? Valuable time together…
We all made assumptions and this story will always remind me how foolish, and what an 'Ass' one can be when one makes assumptions.
So my advice to you is that if you find yourself judging someone or something find out a little more about the person, people or circumstance… and before you accuse someone of being a good for nothing drunkard, find out what’s in the bottle!
Beejal
